Grizzy's Cavern

Miss me?

2005-12-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back - but I wasn't really gone - just without a deskspace.

And I've realized that sometimes I just won't be able to update daily - but that's okay - I'll still update you all as often as I can.

The new job is just very hectic - but fun - I'm really enjoying it.

I'm down to 356 at this point, and have rededicated myself to going further - I have 12 weeks until the wedding - and I've dropped 60 in 12 weeks. I can do it again - if I really work hard. And that's just what I'm going to do.

Other than that - lots of hectic-stuff at work - and have to get back to it right now anyhow.

MEOW!

Oh right...Sam has a new friend outside the window...but be careful - he charges. :)

Happy Hollandaise!

2005-11-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

Alright - it's a corny pun, but I like it.

Today is going well except for the no exercise this morning (and a little too much munching on animal crackers) - but my back is really hurting from yesterday's exercise (I DDR'd my butt off) - and so I took a breather - back to the treadmill tomorrow.

Food is going well today - and I get a new desk, and I've been sitting around listening to holiday music while I work - so what could be bad?

I love this time of year - don't you?

I think it's mandatory.

Meow!

I know Sam - but stop playing with the tree, or it'll fall on you again.

Learned something....

2005-11-29T13:12:00.000-08:00

Interesting today...

It's not always emotional eating. Sometimes it's boredom from long drives (that I have to do for work).

Got up early - worked out (despite not wanting to) - ate a good breakfast and packed lunch.

So why at 9:30 AM did I stop for gas, get soda, a tacquito and candy?

I have no idea....except that I was bored in the car.

Now what I need is a low-cal snack - something healthy that won't go bad in the car - to just keep there if I need a munch.

Jerky? Too salty.

I have no idea.

But hey - at least I'm on the right track with the exercise - keep that up and the rest will fall into place.

Meow?

No Sam...I'm pretty sure kitty treats would go bad.

Only one? But that's more than last week...

2005-11-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

So okay - Thanksgiving lasted all weekend. Leftovers, pizza, doughnuts, etc. But we said good-bye to all of that, and started fresh this morning.

I did 12 minutes on the treadmill (4 of them jogging) - and will DDR tonight. I remember when 20 minutes on the treadmill was nothing - even 30 or 40. And now 12 is all I can do - but I'll get there - one step at a time.

I'm down one lb. from last week - down to 359.

But it's a start. Let's see what this week holds!

Food today - good so far - breakfast (grapenuts) - lunch (microwave/apple/100 cal pack) and snack (did you know animal crackers only have 8 calories each? So a small bowl grazed through the day is not so bad a snack).

Dinner will be fish or chicken...dunno yet.

All in all not so bad considering the crappy weekend.

Yeah - my car got broken into - and they didn't get much - except for my sheet music. Bastards thought it was a laptop I'm sure.

Sheesh.

But I won't let it get me down. Today is a good day, gosh darn it!

Meow?

Yes, Sam - I'm good enough, smart enough....and well you know.

Happy Happy?

2005-11-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

Goooooooooooooooood morning cyberspace!

I'm sitting here at my office after a wonderful night last night - and feeling generally good about myself, my diet, and all the goings on that are surrounding the holidays.

I love this time of year - don't you?

Me too. Lots of cooking - but no going overboard with food - and I'm still even going to exercise tomorrow.

I DDR'd last night - did better - and continued on my downward trend. So that's good.

I missed breakfast, and packed lunch, but might have lunch with a good friend today (salad if I do) - and some nice lean beef for dinner. Not sure what I'm doing with it yet - but I'll think of something.

More exercise tonight - enjoying the DDR again. :)

On the whole - not bad.

And tomorrow is TURKEY DAY! YAY!!! And I get to decorate and whatnot!

*note - you probably won't hear from me for a few days - you know - holidays and stuff.

So happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

I'm thankful for you, this year.

Meow?

Yes, Sam - YOU!

Not a bad day - more good choices....

2005-11-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

So I DDR'd last night - but wasn't able to do more than four songs...man oh man am I out of shape - but I'm working on it.

Today - so far so good - didn't work out this morning - was really achey - but will DDR when I get home.

Eatingwise?

3 100 cal snack packs
1 apple
1 healthy choice microwave meal (around 10:30)
Got hungry - stopped at 7-11 (forgot breakfast) around 2 and had a tuna sandwich and a small chicken wrap. Another good choice - not perfect - but better than butterfingers.

On the whole - not bad. I'm down four lbs from yesterday (but I'm NOT going to update numbers except on Mondays) - so there!

See - I can do it!

Meow.

What? Tuna? For dinner, Sam...for dinner - MINE, not yours. :)

I'm ashamed and disgusted...

2005-11-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

...with myself. But I'm using it to motivate myself.

See -here's the thing - I was all happy awhile back (check the archives) - because I'd lost 30 lbs.

I've now officially gained back 20 of 30.

Bad food - McDonald's - Ice Cream - etc. and a general lack of exercise has done it for me.

I'm really upset with myself.

But instead of getting way down about it - I'm focusing my anger towards doing better. Here's what I've done today:

1. Weighed myself again - up to 360 (ugh!)

2. Worked out - hard - 12 minutes - running 4 minutes. My calves hurt so badly when I was done, I was practically crying.

3. Headed to work - grabbed food (two apples, two 100 cal. snack packs, one container left-over stir-fry from last night).

4. Ate around 11. Was still hungry. So I made a good decision about what to do: I stopped for gas, and panicked - thought I'd buy candy - but instead bought a crappy (admittedly not a GREAT choice) chicken salad sandwich, and ate that.

Now I'm getting ready to go home, DDR, and relax.

I had a good day today overall.

Can I have two in a row?

Meow.

Glad you believe in me Sam.

Not bad...not perfect...

2005-11-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

No exercise, that's bad.

Good food most of the day...but not all day - so that's bad.

What I need to do is make sure I have snackie stuff with me so when I'm hungry (I'm kind of a grazer) I have good food to eat.

It's a good idea, isn't it?

Let's see what Monday brings on the scale and if I can put it into practice starting tomorrow.

Meow!

Glad you believe in me, Sam.

Better beginning - small stumbles - but steps in the right direction...

2005-11-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning - worked out - had a great workount - 13 minutes on the treadmill including several minutes jogging.

Had a good breakfast - packed lunch (AND DINNER) for my class - including snacks.

Ate great most of the day.

Was feeling good - and forgot my food when I went out to court - got stuck, got hungry, got fast food.

So as penance - no dinner (had a hamburger anyhow) - and more exercise tomorrow.

Learning each day how to make this work for me.

If it weren't hard it wouldn't be worth doing, now would it?

Meow.

I agree completely.

If you learn a lesson...

2005-11-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

...you can call the day a success.

And today I guess that means I'm successful, at least that's what I'm telling myself.

The week isn't anywhere near over, so I'm not down - I'm going to post a weight loss this week.

But I learned something today. A groove, a rythym, a pattern - is very important to me.

I barely slept Sunday night - so I was exhausted today - so as a result, I slept rather than exercising. I woke up late, and didn't eat all my breakfast (GrapeNuts - 1/2 cup).

Grabbed my lunch and hit the road. Had to wait and wait and wait in courts. Ate my sandwich (low cal wheat bread, Heatlhy Choice ham, lettuce, tomato). Was still hungry. Saw a Burger King. Knew I hadn't worked out, and so chose to eat at BK.

Ate: 1 chicken sandwich - 1 double whopper with cheese.

Threw away: My apple and my low cal pudding snack that Amber had packed for me.

What I don't have is an excuse.

What I do have is knowledge. It happened because my rythym was off, and because I need to have more readily available calories for 'snack' calories - maybe an extra apple or a snackpack or something.

I'm also not 'down' today - I'm not letting this stop me. What I am, however, is sorry. To Amber most of all. She packed my lunch, and I didn't eat part of it. I'm doing this for me and for her and for our future and so I can see my children get married someday.

And I will not continue to let her down.

I've learned today.

Tomorrow I'll succeed.

Meow!

Right!

A prayer for relief....

2005-11-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

Dearest Universe/God/Lord/Whatever (I don't want to offend, although I tend to think of you as a Universal energy ball),

Last night around midnight, you sent me quite a message, and reiterated it throughout the night while I slept. You see, I'd been quite bad on my diet this last week. And in fact, have balooned back up to 358.7 lbs. I had 'recommitted' myself to starting this morning, but apparently you wanted to send me a little stronger vibe.

If you've never experienced it, let me tell you about what you sent me. It's called GERD (Gastro-Esophegeal Reflux Disease). I've had it for awhile off and on, and usually can predict when it's going to happen and take some medicine. But last night I didn't eat anything that would have triggered it (oh sure, I ate a half bag of double stuff oreos and some fried chicken, but nothing spicy).

And yet - at midnight, I awoke with a start.

And there it was. That feeling. Let me describe it. Acid builds up in your throat - as if you've just thrown up. But you haven't. Usually there's some drool that's accumulated while you slept. And your mouth keeps producing saliva. The acid burns the throat badly. You cough when you breathe, and it hurts. If you drink water - it makes it worse. But if you don't - your throat dries out painfully. You have two options - throw up, which feels worse - or wait and let it subside - which it might not and you have to throw up anyhow. If you sit up straight it's worse, but if you lie down it's much worse, so you have to slouch and bend your neck down so the esophagus isn't quite extended.

And I sat there, in pain, Amber sleeping beside me, realizing that it was the weight. It was the food. It was the junk. It was all of it adding up and the stress of everything. It wasn't spices that was burning me.

It was me.

I was eating myself alive from the inside.

Am I asking for sympathy? A little.

Am I asking for a cure? Hell no.

What I'm asking for - and what I'll be drawing on - is energy and resolve to beat this thing once and for all. I'm tired of being tired.

I'm sick of being sick.

And your message was heard - loud and clear.

I'm on it.

Amen.

Meow.

An even more interesting day...

2005-11-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

So last night was hellish...

I got into a fight with my mother - and saw a side of her I thought I'd seen the last of years ago. It scared the bejeepers out of me...and really scared Amber. But it was resolved and now it's done, and I have the day off.

And now I'm sitting here waiting to hear from a detective who is sitting outside the house of a man who called our office for help.

Amber's at work and told me I should exercise today - but I wasn't really motivated to go to the gym - so instead I'm doing housework and getting things all clean - i also walked around the grocery store several times (doing a few secret projects) and just got out and about.

Overall - I'm doing better today - and my ultimate goals are still the same - walk down the aisle under 300 lbs. I can do that if I just work hard. And I'm going to do just that. We're going to plan this weekend - shop - and next week will be amazing. (This week probably less than amazing - but hey - we all have our days.)

Meow?!?!

Oh relax Sam...it's just a pretty decoration...Mommy will love it when she sees it. ;)

Dear Goodness!!! How could I???

2005-11-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

It all started out so good...

It really really did.

And now it's gone somewhat downhill.

And I'm really ashamed of myself, frankly. I know better.

I woke up at 6am - went to the gym for the first time in weeks. Did 12 good minutes on the treadmill (including 4 minutes of running) for a total distance of 0.6 miles. Not bad, but not great. I'm working on it - it's a process.

I took a great shower - and had a nice small breakfast of shredded wheat (okay - frosted mini wheats - but I went with the 'reccomended serving size') and some cottage cheese. I packed a healthy lunch (microwave, an apple, and a pudding snack) and a snack for later in the day (a 100 calorie snack pack).

I headed out the door after kissing Amber goodbye - and felt great. I knew I was on my way.

I went to court, then to the jail to meet with a 'problem child' client of ours, who proceeded to be aggrivated and beligerent for 45 minutes. Yelling at me for things he had no business to yell at me for. I calmed him down and told him what was what, and left. But I was (and still am kinda) steamed.

So what happened?

I stopped at a gas station.

Why?

I didn't need gas - I didn't even get gas. I stopped and bought: a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, two candy bars and a pastry - and a diet coke. I ate them all in under 10 minutes in the car.

My mental defenses wore down and I cracked. And as soon as I was done binging, I felt horrible.

I still do.

I couldn't control myself, and that feels terrible inside.

All I can do though is learn from it - recognize how and why I choose to eat bad foods, and know that I'm worth more than that. And people that get under myskin are not worth my health and sanity.

He's not worth it.

Lesson learned, I hope.

*sigh*

Meow.....purrrrr.

Thanks Sam...I love you too.

So far...interesting.

2005-11-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

Well there's good news today - our office has internet access now. As you can no doubt see. :)

I missed breakfast today, and again had a gas station candy incident. I just need to not go into them at all.

Lunch was fine and I'm not sure about dinner, what with the whole class teaching thing and all.

Amber wants to check out LA Weight Loss Centers together...I'm open to it - and who knows?

I feel motivated, but can't get my wheels turning, you know?

Anyhow - back to work - and more soon.

Meow......

Oh right - Sam you haven't seen my new office - what do you think?

purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yeah - me too. :)

Three mistakes is all you get to make in a day...

2005-11-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

And today I hit all three.

First: Slept in (had trouble sleeping) and didn't work out.

Second: Loaded up a 50 gallon tub with large heavy textbooks to move to my new office and tried to move it one-handed at times, and really managed to screw up my forearm and shoulder on my right arm. Owie.

Thirdly: Had a minor cookie dough episode after dinner.

So what did I learn today?

Life happens. And sometimes there's nothing you can do about it at all.

All you can do is ask your fiancee to rub your shoulder, and vow to do better tomorrow.

And I do so vow. :)

Meow?

No Sam...not Meow....Vow...it's different.

Is it really November?

2005-11-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

You bet your sweet patootie it is.

And I've been lax....waaaaaaaay lax in my duties, both in the blog, and in the world.

I've been so wrapped up in my new job and getting our new office up to snuff, that I've neglected almost everything else. So let me say first - I'm sorry.

Secondly - let me say the diet has been going...not so good. But I have a plan.

And I need/want your help.

Yes you. I know you have a few extra pounds to shed, so I want us to help each other.

Here's my request. As of today - I'm 350 on the dot. I have 18 weeks until my wedding, and I'm going to walk down the aisle under 300 if not more. But I can't do it alone. So I'm asking you to challenge yourselves with me - Biggest Loser style.

Every Monday (and Monday only) I'm going to post the number for the week - as well as my down total for the week. And I want you to do the same, if you're willing. (Yes - in the comments - I want your actual weight)

If you're not willing - that's okay - you can help anyhow by supporting me - yes again - in the comments.

I promise to update daily (or close to) and keep you abreast of all the developments.

How am I going to do it? Starting tomorrow morning - exercise daily (somehow) and low calorie/low fat foods (trying to stick to 1200 or less a day) - and we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll push harder some weeks than others - and maybe not.

But I'm going to give it the old college try, darn it.

18 weeks is nothing.

Neither is 50 lbs.

I'm so there.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

Meow!

Right on, Sam!

How about it, huh?

2005-10-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

Today has been an interesting day for me.

On a few fronts.

First - I woke up and was down 2.5 lbs. (down to 346.1 - not bad).

And then...some tests in my resolve.

See - I wasn't in a great mood today so far...just kinda grumpy. No real reason...well, no real reason I'm going to go into here...just a little down.

And I missed breakfast, and was getting hungry.

Then I had a conversation with Leslie (our office manager) which was okay, but a little stressful (new job, and I'm hoping for raises soon and all)...

And I was getting hungrier.

And it was lunch time, and there was very little in the house that I knew of.

And I was HUNGRY.

But instead of stopping...instead of subway or McD's or something bad.

I came home.

I DDR'd for 30ish minutes (real hard - still sweating)....and made a low-cal turkey sandwich with a few rice cakes on the side. That was my lunch.

I have salmon tonight for dinner for us.

And I didn't give into temptation.

I already know tomorrow's going to be different, or rather, more difficult - cuz I have poker. I usually eat there, and usually stop to get something to eat in the morning or something. Perhaps I still will - maybe Friday will be my treat day. Or maybe I'll just cut back on it all and eat sensibly so I don't undo my workout in the morning.

All I know is that I did not emotionally eat today - and I was not a slave to my cravings.

What do you say to that, huh?

Meow.

Yeah - Meow indeed!

Success even in the wake of a slip?

2005-10-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yup - that's me - Mr. Success!

Why?

Because I lost another 1.4 pounds since yesterday - bringing me back down to 348.6. (330s here I come!)

So what was the slip? Well - I figured out that I need a little more fuel if I'm going to push my body with harder workouts. Unfortunately I figured it out right near a Burger King and had a Double Whopper with Cheese.

But I came home and DDR'd my butt off and rather than a sweet before bed snack - had some cottage cheese, and lo and behold here I am.

This morning I went back to the gym and kicked my own butt with the elliptical machine for 15 damn intensive minutes. Then some more chest and shoulder presses and it was time to head back to home.

The only thing I've realized is that I'vbe been sitting here doing work and fun stuff - and forgot to eat breakfast! But I'm not really hungry - so I'm going to wait for lunch.

Anyhow - it's a great feeling to have thingsw back on track - and after watching Pete's transformation on The Biggest Loser last night - I'm truly inspired. The man was 401 when he went in and is now at home and down to 260. He looks great.

I can do that. No problem!

Meow!

With you, Sam, I can do anything!

It is indeed...all about improvement...

2005-10-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

Apes, my dear friend - you're right.

So here's today's news: no morning workout (going to do weights 3x a week to start, and I'm kinda sore) - so I'm going to DDR later for cardio. Maybe mixing it up a bit will get my body reacting.

And good news - I'm down 4-5 lbs from yesterday.

Bad news: I'm still up at 350.0 again. Pasta, candy, cake, cookies, all sorts of bad habits crept back into my life in the last 10 days, and I paid for it.

But I'm going to keep on truckin'. It's lunch time now, and so lunch I shall eat.

And hey - thanks you guys - for supporting me...in all the ways you know you do.

I love all of you.

Meow.

And you most of all, Sam....well except for Amber, but you get my drift.

Today is the first day...

2005-10-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

...of the rest of my life.

Cliche, I know - but true.

You see - I finally admitted something to myself (and Amber) last night.

I'm really really afraid of...well...frankly...dying - before it's time.

And the one thing above all else that will do it....(no, Mr. Bush, not terrorists) - is my health.

So this morning I got up at 5:45am and went to the GYM. I did 12 minutes on the treadmill (including 2 minutes running) - for .50 miles total before my shins started to ache too badly to continue.

So then I did some chest and shoulder weight lifting to get them back into the habit of being worked out.

And tomorrow I'll keep going.

I've eaten according to plan so far all day (just breakfast but hey - props where props are due).

I'm going to beat this. I know I can.

And the wedding and honeymoon will be fantastic as a result - and that's just the start.

I have a whole life ahead of me.

And I'm excited.

I just hope I can do it.

Meow.

Thanks Sam....I think I can too.

Confessions of a Dangerous Bear

2005-10-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today hasn't been so good.

I woke up and weighed in and was only down .3 lbs since Tuesday (damn big dinner last night!) - and was really feeling down today - not sure why - but was.

Combine that with a lot of downtime at work today.

I decided to have a soda at Walgreens.

Instead, I had:

A kit-kat - a Butterfinger Crisp - a FastBreak - a Cookie - and two Tollhouse bars.

Oh yeah - and a diet soda too.

What happened? I had a total candy meltdown!

By the same token - I'm still highly motivated by the men on "Biggest Loser" (which you SHOULD watch - it's really good) - and want to keep doing well. So I'm going to try adding some variety into my exercise starting on Monday.

I'm going to use the gym we have here at my complex. The treadmill AND the weights. I'm going to really pound my body into shape.

The fact of the matter is - this is hard - and it's work - but I KNOW I CAN DO IT.

Most of the time, anyhow - but sometimes I do have doubts....like today.

But I just keep on pluggin'.

*sigh* I'm just afraid of failure.

But aren't we all?

Know what the solution is to failure?

Meow.

Right Sam. Success.

Nighttime...the right time....

2005-10-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

A good day.

Good food (although a little too much at dinner).

A helluva workout.

I'm feeling good about stuff - but really want more success - lots more.

I guess I just have to go get it, huh?

Meow?

Sure Sam...I'll pick up a tuna fish for you while I'm out.

Where in the hell....

2005-10-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

...have I been?

I finally got an e-mail asking - so I figured I'd come back.

I've been super hella busy - the new job has no office time built into it - until we get our new office in two weeks, so I'm sorta away from computers (granted, I did get a brand spankin' new laptop from the boss....so that's good!)...and just been kinda...existing.

But this weekend, I sat down with Amber, and realized I'd "existed" my way back up to 350. And I planned and made a re-committment to myself and my health.

Today I've already DDR'd and am going to keep up the great work - I'm down to 347 as of this morning (although a lack of planning led me to fast food for lunch today) - and going to keep going this time.

It's just what I want to, and have to do.

I take my motivation from myself, my heroes (Chris Reeve, HHH, The Cast of "Biggest Loser", etc.) and from my wonderful Amber, who never ceases to believe in me.

And of course, my friends. Thank you all.

MEOW!

Oh yeah! And Sam, too! How would I survive without his snuggling?

Welcome back to me. :)

A Better Day...

2005-10-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

E-mail back up.

New job going great.

Weight down to 340 again - back on track.

DDR - done.

Not a bad day overall. A little heavy at dinner - I may suffer in the morning, but it wasn't so bad.

More of an update tomorrow. Nite!

MEOW!

Yes Sam...you can come to bed too.

Super Frustrated

2005-10-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm just so frustrated today...

My e-mail has been...well...perhaps compromised is the wrong word...but my password isn't working anymore. I've submitted my security request, and now I'm waiting.

Ugh. I feel totally violated, even though I'm sure it's an internet screw-up and not an intentional thingy. But then again - who knows?

Makes you feel kinda unsafe - doesn't it?

Not that I'm hiding anything...but I have work product stuff there - personal e-mails - all sorts of things...

It just feels...weird...unsettled.

I hope it gets worked out.

Soon.

Meow.

Yeah....you tell 'em Sam.

A New Day Dawning

2005-10-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

So here we are - Monday. The first day of my new job.

But more than that.

Amber and I are doing very well - things seem to be lightening up a little, and we went grocery shopping for lots of healthy foods. Although her job is still terribly frustrating, she seems to be happier in her off hours...and that's a step in the right direction.

My foot is healing (I did a dumb thing and cut it...sorta....) and so I think I can dance tonight.

I'm re-reading a very influential book in my life - "Still Me" by Chris Reeve. If you haven't read it - run, don't walk, to your library or bookstore and read it. Now. I'll wait.

There...done?

Incredible, isn't it? Talk about motivating.

And that's just what it's done.

I'm at 343.4 to start the month of October - but all that is is a starting point. Time to kick things up a notch.

Our invitations arrive tonight. Yay!

And for those of you who have NOT seen our wedding website:

http://stewardanddichter.weddings.com

But if you go - you must sign the guestbook. At least...please do?

Meow?

I don't know how you'd sign, Sam...you don't have opposible thumbs!

Getting there....

2005-09-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Is supposedly half the fun - but I'm not there yet, so I don't know.

But I'm working on it. I'm back down to 342.1 and have done alright today - not perfect, but alright.

When I go home I'm going to exercise and have a good dinner, I think - and all might just end up okay tomorrow. I just want to be in the 330s when I see my doctor. That'd be good. :)

Other than that - not a lot going on here...just thinking of Amber and wishing her well at the doctor today.

Meow.

Oh right - and wishing for giant fish for Sam.

No Groove - Bad.

2005-09-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get into one again...I'm having a lot of difficulty since Pampi died.

I don't know if one thing has to do with the other, but it's when things started. I was going along all guns blazing...and now I'm stuck in a rut.

I'm eating bad food daily (case in point today - forgot lunch - had Micky D's - and lots of it).

I'm not exercising a lot (case in point - only 4 songs on Standard - leg cramps - bad nutrition likely)

I'm allowing us to overspend (not so bad that it'll hurt - but more than we should - bought a Nintendo DS and several games - new jeans for Amber - new purse - eating out a lot) - it adds up.

Basically just bad habits rearing their ugly heads again.

But the good news is this - no solid damage. Just a rut.

And if I can pull myself out of it - I can keep moving towards the wedding and lifelong health.

I have a great support mechanism. All of you - and my blog. And Amber.

Hopefully when I get the new DDR this week and a second dance pad we can do it together, and that'll motivate me more...I hope.

Who knows?

All I can do is keep trying - and keep believing in the strength in me to become more than I am.

To be better.

To be stronger.

Meow?

Right Sam...to be the six-million dollar lawyer.

I don't understand...

2005-09-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

I just don't...

I've been doing alright...was under 340 - and now I'm up to 342 again.

I'm yo-yoing on the same four pounds.

Granted, I'm not being very strict this week.

The fact of the matter is that I have to be. I have goals, and I must meet them.

At this rate, I have one week left in September, and I'm not going to hit my September goal.

Unless I work my ass off...literally.

And that's just what I'm going to do...or try to.

I know I have the drive and motivation. I know I have the capabilities.

I just have to actually do it and not be lazy about it.

Meow.

Lazy is good for cats, Sam...yes...but not people.

An interesting theory...

2005-09-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well I gained 2 lbs since yesterday. I'm up to 340.7 (down exactly 30 lbs from where I started).

I have a theory. First of all - I exercised, but not as hard, cuz the higher level DDR songs are hard - so I'm going to try something new with DDR (especially in the forthcoming release of the new game).

I'm going to alternate the new ones (which are very intense) with a series of the older ones (which I can do 20 or so at a time) - think weights and then the next day cardio. Something like that.

Also - I hadn't been eating a nighttime snack this week - except last night when I had a bunch of snacks.

Perhaps that's why.

So I'm also going to try NOT to eat after 8pm anymore - at all. Or even better - I'm just not going to eat after dinner if I can avoid it.

Meow?

No Sam...you still get your nighttime treat.

Yesterday....

2005-09-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

I was tied up in my class way late, and so couldn't update.

I apologize.

Tonight, however, is a great night.

First of all - I've finally broken the threshold - I'm under 340. I'm at 338.8 as of this morning! I'm on my way to 40 lbs down!

Secondly - tonight Joey, Apprentice, and ER start back up! YAY! I love fall television.

And things are just sort of...going back to normal around here.

Which is nice for a change isn't it?

purrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I know what you mean, Sam.

If it's not one thing....

2005-09-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

...it's another.

Things are going alright I suppose. I put in my notice and am excited about the new job. I'm recieveing lots of well wishes from coworkers who will miss me...and I'm very happy to hear them.

Somehow despite bad food, McDonalds and Krispy Kremes, I'm down to 342 total. I hadn't been exercising - so I know I won't get away with that for long.

But today I had a good exercise, and ate MOSTLY good (I did have a candy bar with lunch) - but I DDRd when I got home - and if I could do 21 songs without stopping at "light" level - I decided to start trying 'standard' - harder harder - only 8 songs - but a good workout.

Amber's having a very rough time...her job is frustrating her to no end...she may be at the end of her rope - and it kills me that I can't just tell her to quit and go back to school or something like that...maybe someday...hopefully soon with this new job.

But it hurts my heart to see her sad, ya know?

Meow.

Yeah, Sam...I know. Me too.

Back with much news....

2005-09-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well I have returned to my little cave, to find it a little dusty, but none the worse for wear.

First of all - thank you all so much for your kind words and condolances about my grandfather. It was a very difficult experience, which I'm still processing - but with the help and love of my friends and family (and of course, Amber) I'm doing alright.

Secondly - the diet has been a little off - food in NY - then no food - then bad food - not a lot of exercise, etc. I'm getting back on track, but as of this morning I was up to 342.7 (so a rise of 1 lb since the beginning of the month) - but it's been changing daily.

Now - I've been being very secretive for some time about a change to my life...and I can now go public with it. I put in my notice today - I'm no longer going to work for this firm, and have a new job lined up to start October 3.

It has a slight raise involved, with lots of advancement possibilities. It is also a bit further away from home, and I don't know how much online time I'll have from the office, but we'll have to see.

Basically - outside of the obvious, things are going good...I miss my Pampi (grandfather) - but I'll miss him forever.

But I do have something to honor him with. He was given a full honor guard.

And I was given the flag by my grandmother.

Meow.

Yeah Sam...stay off it.

Sadness and Goneness...

2005-09-10T04:12:00.000-07:00

I won't be here for a few days.

I'm going to New York in a few hours.

My grandfather has died suddenly.

Thank you in advance for your prayers and e-mails.

- Grizzy

Interesting Moments...

2005-09-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

So I've been a little lax these last few days. I haven't updated my blog, and when I have, it's been mostly just an update on how poorly my diet is going. And I'm tired of doing that. So it's time to try jumpstarting things. Now granted, today hasn't gone great so far - and it's only 7:30am.

Let me explain.

Yesterday instead of eating my normal lunch - I went out and had a cinnamon roll. It was tasty, but then combined with stir-fry for dinner - lots of salt - I'm holding onto a lot of stuff, no matter how hard I DDR'd last night. I'm up again to 343.1.

Add to that - I had a crapload of work this morning - so I had to come to the office at 6:30 - and stopped for breakfast at a GAS STATION - had candy and pastry. Not a great breakfast.

Last night Amber had a sad moment with her self-esteem - and I told her that I would help her - and that I loved her, but it made me sad a little...because I can't tell her how beautiful she is to me...she doesn't see it right now. Sometimes I feel the same about myself...

I had trouble sleeping.

But I have new resolve right now. I have resolve to continue towards my goal that is true and straight. You see - one thing I am always reluctant to talk about is death. And frankly - no matter how strong my faith is in what happens after...I'm afraid of it. Terrified in fact.

And if I don't continue to change - I am going to die - much sooner rather than later. And what really drove me home that point has nothing to do with me or my family. That's done it before...but not this time.

My dear friend Brian (who is a year younger than I am) whom I went to college with...has emphysema. Cigars.

How does a guy in his 20s get emphysema?

How does a guy in his 20s (me) weigh over 300 pounds?

I will not die early. I will not leave Amber. I will not leave Sam.

I want children and grandchildren. I want life. And I want life a hell of a lot more than I want chocolate.

It's just that simple.

I want life.

And I'm going to take it back for myself.

Meow.

Thanks for the support Sam!

Back in the saddle? Sorta...

2005-09-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well today has been...moderately okay.

My plans of being in the office all day got thrown for a loop when the boss asked me to come help him in court all morning. So I just now got here. Ugh. Guess I'll be in really early on Friday to do the work I have to do.

Weightwise - down a little to 242.8. But my DDR wasn't great.

No running this morning - too damn tired from that medication - but maybe tomorrow.

DDR tonight. Maybe some crunches or something. Got to kickstart things.

I ate lunch out with the boss - cobb salad. Not bad, but a little fattier than I should have. But I didn't eat it all, so there's that.

I just really want to be healthy and live a great life. I know I can do that. I just need to focus on what's important to me in life and go after it as hard as I can. And I'm determined. I've come this far and people are starting to notice (the judge and prosecutor today).

I just have to keep on going!

I love all of you who support me!

Meow?

Yes Sam...you too. Even when you scratch me. Hey! Could you do that so I get up and run tomorrow?

Not so bad...really...

2005-09-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

So we had a few off days - the date night - a large salad - too much snacky food. No DDR yesterday.

But I really focused hard on my rationale for getting in shape and have rebuilt my reasoning now. I won't slip further.

I'm up to 343ish again.

But today I exercised with DDR. It wasn't hard, but it was exercise. I ate only dinner (some whole wheat pasta with chicken and a salad).

And tomorrow I'll run.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will not let myself down - and I won't let anyone else down.

Meow!

I know I haven't let you down Sam...it's just a figure of speech.

Another Good/Bad Report?

2005-09-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is late...and so short.

Good - down to 340.4 as of this morning - over 30 lbs. YAY! Had a great day - had a date night with Amber. Ate good food (moderately, I think) - exercised, saw a great movie. All in all a good day.

Bad - New Orleans. Still bad.

And now this...the death of Chief Justice William Rhenquist. It is sad, yes, but it could not have come at a worse time.

I fear for the future. I fear for our rights. I fear for our country.

Meow.....

And Sam fears for the felines.

Overall...not too bad, I think...

2005-09-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well let's recount the day in a nutshell.

1. Gained a pound-ish - 342.5. Too many tacquitos.

2. No breakfast - so I had subway after walking all the way up the hill and nearly cramping both legs. Owie. But good exercise.

3. Forgot lunch - no harm no foul.

4. Meeting with the boss - he asked why I was mopey - so I told him. He acknowledged what I was feeling - and said there was little he could do about it...but that as soon as he could resolve some of the issues - he'd try. Felt good...yet disheartening.

5. Got to come home early.

6. Grocery shopping (always fun).

7. Came home and DDRd - breaking two records - 24 songs and a score double my old high score. Not bad eh? Man I'm tired.

So on the whole - not too bad.

A nice dinner is coming soon to a theatre near me. I do have to work tomorrow and have a lunch meeting Monday, but I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening otherwise.

I'm also suddenly somewhat tired, but I guess 50 minutes of dancing will do that to you, huh?

Meow.

Yeah, well you nap all day - what do you know? :)

September Eve....

2005-09-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a whole new month with a whole new outlook....kinda.

Let's start with this month's starting number: 341.6 - down roughly 10 lbs from last month - on target! YAY! That's cause for celebration!

Also - I ate...well...okay today - but I did have a little cheater snack - but came home and just DDR'd my head off and I'm sitting here dripping sweat. Hopefully I'll counter the cheater and have a good dinner and be down a little or not up at all tomorrow at least.

I had an okay day today - lots of court stuff, and a few fun conversations.

But I do want to take a moment out and send out a prayer and a thought to everyone and anyone suffering in New Orleans and Mississippi and anywhere else affected by Katrina this evening...the devestation is unlike any natural thing I've ever seen. My thoughts are with you all.

No news on my griping from yesterday, but more as it becomes available.

And so far - not a bad day. In fact - a pretty good one.

Wouldn't you agree Sam?

Meow.

Right - what he said. :)

Better...but not?

2005-08-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well I had a better morning on the scale - 342.6. So I'm back down a bit. But who knows what tomorrow'll show?

And then...my lunch meeting got rescheduled/cancelled first thing. It's kinda disheartening. And I've been griping to my office manager about the problems at my current job (which I've been relatively silent about here) - and sufficed to say - she agrees that I shouldn't close off my options.

Ugh. I feel so disheartened. I feel sad and without option today.

I'm not sure what to do. It's not getting better. I guess the saving grace is that it's not getting worse. Yet. But it could...and soon.

And I had a second lunch today. A tuna sandwich from Subway after my prepackaged lunch. Which I shouldn't have had - but at least it wasn't cookies.

Ugh. Maybe I'll DDR extra hard tonight.

Meow.

Thanks Sam...I love you too.

Going the Wrong Way....

2005-08-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

But then again, all I can do is reverse course.

Bad lunch yesterday - too much pasta for dinner and some digestive problems - up to 343.6 as of this morning.

But...I will not lose hope and will not keep trying.

I got home early today - the court's power went out and they sent everyone home. So I DDR'd already. I'm going to get up tomorrow and run finally, and tonight I'm starting a nightly ritual of crunches and leg-lifts to tone some of the body.

I've done well today - breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a light snack (string cheese) - no idea what's for dinner, but I'll wait until Amber gets home.

Regardless, I'm just gonna keep on trucking, and have faith that if you are consistent, you'll achieve your goals.

Right?

Meow.

Yeah - what he said!

Emotional What-now?

2005-08-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

It's like a bad penny - it always turns up somehow when you think you've left it behind and you think it'll never show up again.

But there it is.

Emotional....EATING.

What did I do you ask? Well i woke up late, and forgot to pack lunch (in truth I think I just avoided it planning on just NOT eating so that I might bolster my weight loss and just have a nice dinner...)...and then....went to work.

Got some news at work - our part-time attorney put in his notice, and there may be trouble with our contracts in other cities...

Simply put, I'm concerned about being on the proverbial sinking ship. Not to mention being underpaid. Ugh.

So what did I do? I had subway for lunch. Not bad - tuna sandwich.

Those cookies, on the other hand, they weren't a good option.

But alas, all I can do is move forward, understand why - and not do it again. Which is the difference between the old me and the new me. The old me would whine and spiral downward. Not the new me. :) I'm just going to keep going, despite being up a pound after my oversized lunch yesterday (342.8) - knowing that if I keep going and keep trucking, I'll get to where I wanna be. I believe in myself!

Meow!

Yeah, Sam! You tell 'em! No stoppin' me now!

Damn Daily Fluctuations!

2005-08-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well here we are, I ate nearly nothing yesterday and exercised TWICE, and managed to GAIN .7 lbs. I'm up to 341.7. And on top of that I ate bad for lunch today...so who knows what tomorrow'll hold...

Ugh.

I did DDR this morning - so that's good - I had a good one, frankly. :)

And now I'm just relaxing. Laundry is going. Have to get ready for the week. Ugh. Work sucks, doesn't it? Maybe I'll get some good news this week...who knows?

"The Breakfast Club" is on. What a great movie.

Time to go watch.

"Mess with the bull, son you'll get the horns!"

Meow?

No Sam...there're no bulls here...it's just a line.

That was FUN!

2005-08-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Okay - first of all - we got our asses kicked this morning on the tennis court. The boy and his girl handed it to us in two straight sets (6-2, 6-2). We must practice more.

Secondly - I'm down even further! 341.0 as of this morning! I'm inches away from 30 lbs down. How's that for progress?

And finally today - we spent the afternoon registering for gifts. How fun is that? You get a little price gun and you go around and click on what you want and have a blast with it! We also put our deposit on the honeymoon (yeah baby!) and really just had a blast of a day.

Very tiring though. Amber's taking a nap as we speak....are we in fact speaking right now?

Philosophical question of the day: can you "hear" me even though you're reading my words?

Discuss.

Meow.

I agree Sam...while they discuss, let's have a tuna treat.

Back in the Saddle....

2005-08-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

Out where a friend is a friend...

Alright - I'll spare you my singing.

But hey - I'm doing much better today - down to 343.0 as of this morning - not bad eh? And since the boss is out of town, I could stay at home a little longer, and was able to DDR this morning, and I usually miss it cuz of poker tonight, but not today! So there! :P

Tomorrow I've got tennis, and things there are going to be fun. Amber's wearing her ankle brace again, so hopefully it won't hurt too bad.

And the wedding planning is coming along swimmingly. This weekend we check out invitations and rings. Also book the honeymoon! YEAH BABY!

On the whole - today is a good day. I got a lot done at the office - having fun around town - and just a good day overall. I even got some extra cuddle time this morning with my Sam.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

I love cuddling too, buddy.

Need to get back on track...

2005-08-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Because I'm not on track right now.

My DDR'ing has been less than normal. Hard songs, crampy legs.

I ate a snack too late last night (like midnight) and paid for it today - gained a pound - up to 347.0

So now I just need to buckle down. I have a week until I re-do my chart for September, and I want to be UNDER 340 by the time I get there, so I just need to refocus.

Today? A small bowl of cereal for breakfast - not bad. My good lunch and lotsa water today. When I get home - LOTS of DDR.

We'll see. Tennis this weekend, for sure.

Other than that - not a lot going on - boss is outta town for a few days - so I'm kinda in charge, which means....I'm going home!

Ain't I a slacker?

Meow.....

You should talk, Mr. I'm going to sleep all day! Sheesh!

Headaches and a Nap

2005-08-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today's post will be short...my head still hurts a little.

Anyhow - last night's dinner stayed with me a bit longer than I wanted it to - I also over did it a little, and ended up not losing anything - 345.8 again today.

I also need to buckle down and really hit the DDR. I need to eat breakfast again so I don't snack throughout the day. I need to just get back on track.

Luckily the planning of the wedding and the honeymoon are great motivators. :)

In general, things are okay - I'm just tired...and my head hurts...and I need a nap.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

He's already asleep...sheesh.

Appreciation, perhaps?

2005-08-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

Wow...that was an unexpected twist, eh?

Today the boss told me that after covering for me for a week, he truly understands how much I really do work. And how hard. He told me I was doing a good job and keep it up.

It's not a raise, but it'll do.

Weightwise - back on track - pizza out of my system - down to 345.8 as of today. So we're well back on track. Have to go home and DDR my head off again - and then make some mexican food (we have fresh avocados tonight YAY!)

Meow?

No Sam...you still have to eat cat food.

A Cathartic Movie

2005-08-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

That's what she called it, and she was right.

Before I get to that: pizza finally caught up with me. This morning: 348.8 - hopefully less tomorrow (although if you haven't DDR'd in awhile and do it all of a sudden - man oh man do you get a leg cramp).

I'll check in on that front tomorrow.

As for the cathartic movie...I don't know if it's the music - I don't know if it's the 'death' scene - or the way he says "I'll be right here" to Elliot...but something about the last 20 minutes of E.T. just has me bawling. And I don't mean teary, I mean full on bawling. And I mean every damn time.

And yet...I adore the movie - and keep watching it. Over and over. I'll never stop.

It truly is a cathartic movie. And I'm going to leave it there.

If you haven't watched it in years - pop it in - and if you have the means - watch it with the DTS sound mix. Turn it up, and just soak it in.

Truly one of the greatest movies of all time, in my humble opinion.

Meow.

And in Sam's.

Welcome Back Grizzy....

2005-08-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

That's right. I'm back. Did you all miss me?

I knew you did.

Lots to update you on, so I'll just get right into it.

The Vegas trip didn't go as planned in one particular way. Dad got sick while we were there, and I don't mean minor sick - I mean coughing up blood sick. The second day. Spiked a fever of 105. We rushed him to the hospital in an ambulance, where everyone (except him) panicked that it could be a variety of life-threatening problems. Sure enough, he had been right. He had just picked up a minor case of pneumonia. Antibiotics in hand, we returned to the hotel.

So we spent more time in my parent's room than intended, but we did manage to get our other tasks done. Amber and I went down to visit the wedding chapels at the Bellagio. We've visited nine venues, and hated them all......until now.

Amber nearly cried when she walked into the chapel. She gave me that look...."this is it - this is where we're going to get married."

We booked it the next day. We now have a wedding date and everything! March 4, 2006. A smaller, family type wedding, with a larger reception to come later, back home.

We're so excited.

Then...exhausted...we returned home. (Also having lost all the money we brought with us, but having a hell of a good time)

To good news...yes...GREAT news in fact. Remember that DV Advocate that I had problems with last week? Yeah...her.

She quit while I was gone.

HALLELUJAH!

And...despite room service most nights, a few really rich meals, and pizza last night....I've only gained two pounds. I'm back to 346.6 as of this morning, but that's not so bad. One more day of 'not quite right' eating is today (we're meeting some friends of ours for dinner at a nearby racetrack) and then back on track tomorrow. I should (I hope) be under 340 by the time September gets here. And that'll be 30 lbs.

Oh...one side note. Sam...dear sweet Sam. So sad we left...yelled at us all day yesterday after we got home. Meow meow meow. So damn cute. We're home now Sam...don't worry.

Meow?

Well yes...we'll leave again, but never forever. We'd miss you too much.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Aloha OY!

2005-08-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well - I'm not going into the issues surrounding domestic violence today, even though I had a few comments asking me to. I promise - I WILL get to that conversation.

But alas - it's time for me to take a break. A SERIOUS VACATION! WOOHOOOO!!!

I'm off to Vegas, and until I return, you'll just have to wait with baited breath for the answers to your questions.

First of all - today was a good weigh-in - I'm down past 25 lbs. In fact, I'm past 26! I'm at 344.6. Not bad!

Will I gain weight on my vacation? Will I work out while I'm gone?

The answers to these and many other questions on our next episode of....SOAP!

Meow.

Yeah - I know, Sam...corny...but effective!

LOVE YOU ALL - SEE YOU WHEN I GET BACK!

Roller Coaster...

2005-08-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

Both of weight and emotions.

First the weight issue. Last night, Amber wasn't feeling great, so she had soup and crackers for dinner...I decided, albeit a stupid decision, to carb up with a major taco salad with beans and rice and cheese and NO MEAT at all...

Needless to say, aside from a tummyache, I'm up a pound to 347.2

But I'm really going to focus and get down below 345 before going away.

Emotionally? Rough day. And a great day. I got published for the first time today! YAY! But...

I had a row in court with a victim's advocate who I've had dealings with in the past. Let's just say that I disagree with the demonization and villianization of all criminal defendants (especially DV defendants) and the way our system treats them. I make no secret of this, but do it legally and ethically. And so the advocate hates me, because I disagree with her position. (Listen lady, it's just business. Stop taking it personally....and if you have a problem - come talk to me. I'll listen. I promise.)

To the point of telling a judge in the breakroom that she would not answer any questions while I was around because she was so angry about this morning that she was afraid she'd say something offensive to me. Then stormed out.

What? Like that wasn't offensive?

And highly inappropriate and completely unprofessional?

Maybe I'll get more into the political ramifications of my position and explain more some other day - but I don't want to bore you. (If you want to hear more about this, please comment and tell me...and if you don't...ditto.)

Besides - I've already bored Sam...look.

zzzzzzzzz

See?

Back on track.

2005-08-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well today is back on track. Yesterday was kind of an off day, as you can guess.

I didn't eat all day, and then ate a crapload of bad food at night (not so bad - Sun Chips and stuff).

But today things are back on track except for my tummyache from this morning. No running because of it - but things are back on track with food. Had a good lunch. Having a good dinner.

And weight wise - I'm up a little - 346.0 - which means I'm 0.3 lbs from 25. I'm hoping to be down almost 30 before I go to Vegas, where I'm going to try really hard to exercise (running the Strip perhaps?) and eat right (lots of salads).

DDR went okay, but my leg hurt and I just couldn't quite finish it off. But hey - at least I'm trying!

Meow.

Right Sam...when I get home, I'll try to give you a treat. Sheesh.

Louis Rucco....

2005-08-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was trying to come up with something heartfelt about racing horses, since Louie loved the racetrack and worked there for years. I couldn't.

My grandmother's (Nonnie) brother, Louie, was a funloving, giant laugher of a man. At least, that's what I remember. He always had a joke for me. He had a picture of him with Sharon Stone just after Basic Instinct. His wife Arlene and he always were happy to see me, even though we weren't 'immediate' family. They were my great aunt and uncle. But they treated me like a grandson when they did see me.

I haven't seen them in years. Hardly spoke to them, as it sometimes is with extended family. They'd had a lot of tragedy in recent years. A dead son. A grandchild with lukeimia. Louie's cancer.

Even though I didn't really talk to them alot, it still saddens me today. You see, my mother called me at 7:30.

Uncle Louie died today. Nobody even knew he was in the hospital.

And all I can do is wish him well on his journey. And miss his laughter.

Good-bye, Uncle Louie. I love you.

Damn Daily Fluctuations!

2005-08-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

I think I spelled that wrong.

Anyhow - I've continued to weigh in daily, and this is what I get for yesterday...ugh. I DDRd yesterday - and was good all day until after dinner, when I was still hungry after my popcorn, so I had the remainder of a stir fry we made awhile ago.

Well lots of salt + eating later at night + chinese food = digestive system mayhem the next day. I'm retaining water, I'm running to the potty, and I'm up about 2lbs from yesterday (up to 248.1). I'm sure it'll go back tomorrow - but hey - I'm grumpy - so there.

Today? I've been really good all day - although my DDR session left a bit to be desired. I got through 9 songs in two sessions, with a couple of really really fast ones in there, and my leg started to kinda cramp...so I stopped.

I'll run tomorrow and DDR and get back on track.

In other news: wedding planning is coming along...and no news on that other mysterious front today. Ugh.

Meow?

No Sam...the mystery has nothing to do with you.

Dedication Pays Off

2005-08-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed it does.

DDR'ing last night not only counteracted the bad food from yesterday, I lost another 0.2 lbs. That means I'm now 0.2 lbs away from 25 pounds down! (For those of you keeping track - I'm at 345.9)

Not bad, eh?

Today has been a nice lazy day. Amber and I started off with some DDR this morning (broke my record - made it to 21 songs!) and have been kinda vegging the rest of the day. Tuna steaks for dinner with a nice salad.

Also have put together our wedding guest list(s) to sort through with my folks in Vegas.

I really hope things go well there. I know they're invested in it - but so are we - and I just want it to go smoothly. I'm sure it will if we all just relax about it.

Speaking of which - I so need this vacation. I can't wait.

Meow?

No Sam...but your friend Eileen will come feed and pet you while we're gone.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wow.

Even on a night like tonight...

2005-08-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's still important to DDR and keep to your exercise regimine.

See - tonight I wasn't very good...

But I digress. Let me start over.

First of all - even last night, I wasn't perfect - I ate jo-jos and chicken at poker. I didn't DDR. I won poker, and still managed to lose half a pound - 346.1

Today? Tennis in the morning with Amber and the Boy - Canadian Doubles - the Boy vs. us - we may be a great couple, but our tennis teamwork needs work. Ha! He creamed us.

A nice lunch. Then a movie. Wedding crashers - SEE IT. Popcorn...okay - not terrible.

Then dinner - a juicy burger and splitting nachos and a dessert with Amber.

And yet at 9:30pm, I managed to drag my ass to the DDR pad and do my duty to myself. I've found that I just feel better in general these days, and I think the exercise (not to mention the 25 lbs I'm down) is really the culprit.

And I really love how I'm feeling.

And I love how I feel with the people I care for...and how much more energy I seem to have.

And I love Amber even more for putting up with me flirting with a bachelorette party that the Boy had attached himself to. I didn't mean anything by it - and she knows it - and I shouldn't have - and I know it - but she's still right here...and loving me more.

Ain't she great?

Meow.

You said it Sam...you said it.

Run Forrest Run!

2005-08-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yes...run. Me. I can't believe I'm running in the mornings. Can you?

Well of course you can - you have more faith in me than I ever did.

At least until lately. Lately I find myself filled with hope and excitement about my future. Because it becomes more and more apparent that I'm going to have a future.

And that is a wonderful feeling.

I'm down as of this morning again to 346.9. How's that for progress, huh?

And I'm running - and DDR'ing - and tennis-ing (is that a word?) - and really just kickin' ass on my goals.

I feel good.

I feel strong.

And I'm getting stronger and stronger.

My future's so bright...I gotta wear shades!

Meow.

No Sam...they're not just cuz it's really freakin' sunny out. Sheesh!

Medication?

2005-08-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well I told you I'd update you on my doctor's appointment yesterday - so here's the news.

The weight loss is coming off and doing well - the pressure is LOWER, but not low enough yet (it's down to 144/95) - so my new doctor wants me on blood pressure medication just to be on the safe side for now. It's a low dose, and really, I'm okay with it.

But I hate daily fluxuations (yes, Apes, I know I shouldn't weigh every day) because now I'm up a little to 349.6.

But that's not so bad, considering I ate a little too much stir fry last night.

And today? Well today was okay. No news on the secretive front (probably next week). Had a little fight with my dad, but only because I was being unreasonable (can you believe it?) which I admitted and apologized for.

That and...well...I promised a few autographed copies of my novel to people...even though it's not published yet. So I'd better get crackin'!

Meow?

No Sam...I'm not giving you an autographed copy - you can't even read!

"Gettin' Healthy"

2005-08-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

That's what my office manager said today when I told her how good I was doing - and yes, I'm doing even better today.

That's right - I have a new magic number.

349.0

Can you believe it? I'm under 350 for the first time in a year, I would think.

I'm so psyched about that! Talk about a high. And I'm going to keep getting higher as I get lower. (Ooooh - deep!)

Just had an oreo snack pack - they're cool little inventions - 100 calories total - and tasty.

But I'm still hungry - missed breakfast - almost lunch time - I can make it!

And now...time to get back to work - and later - the doctor - I'll update you on it - promise.

Meow?

Yes Sam...I'm wearing clean underwear for my doctor's appointment...jeez...

The Magic Number

2005-08-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

...is 20.3

That is exactly how much weight I've lost as of this morning - I'm down to 350.4 total.

Yes - I've broken the 20 pound line! YAY!

I ran this morning - for about 5 minutes this time until a massive shin cramp...but hey - it was five minutes. And then DDR.

Tomorrow the doctor - we'll get an update on the blood pressure.

And...here's today's happy thought:

Amber appears to be getting more and more excited about the wedding. She's talking about dress shopping and what not. I'm really excited myself, I must admit. And just seeing her get a little more into it as our trip to Vegas looms really makes me feel good.

And yet another happy thought: my dear friend April has read my novel! She says she enjoyed it, but has suggestions on how to flesh it out a little more and I definately agree on them. We'll have to keep it up, but I think we may have a bestseller...or at least a seller...or at least an 'er' on our hands!

Meow?

No Sam...not "E.R." - that's on NBC.

Tummy issues...sorta...

2005-08-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well let's all focus on the positive stuff today.

First of all - HAPPY AUGUST DAY! (I know there is no August day, but hey - you have to be happy for something).

Secondly - did my official weigh-in for the beginning of August and updated my chart, etc. - 351.2 lbs. Not bad, eh? Not bad at all. That means in the first three months I've lost 19.5 lbs. I'm on track to lose around 60-80 total before the wedding. Not bad.

But then...we had a rough day. I skipped running on account of the rain. I skipped breakfast on account of me being dumb. LOL I ate dinner right before DDR'ing - and now my tummy hurts from all the jumping around.

That'll teach me.

On a side note - was thinking today - why is it that success and lack thereof, and visions of such are so compelling to me? For instance - why do I want top of the line, and if I can't get it do I feel like I've let someone (like Amber, for instance) down?

I was thinking back to my Dad. He never said he couldn't afford it. Sometimes he said no, but never because he didn't have the money. He was successful. I want to be as successful, and frankly - I'm going to be. I just wish I'd gotten that phone call today - but alas - probably tomorrow...I hope.

Meow.

Sure Sam, I'll play fetch with ya.

Alright...we'll call it a draw.

2005-07-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

Yes...today we played tennis yet again, and this time, we didn't even finish the first set. We made it to 5-5 and called it on account of it being hella-hot. (I do apologize for my blatent use of the word 'hella' just now)

As for the rest of the day - it wasn't so bad in general. I DDR'd although I got some hard songs right up front and instead of doing one looooong session - had to do a few smaller ones. We had some good food (a little much, perhaps, but hey - it was 'healthyish' food - we'll see tomorrow) and watched some good movies.

Speaking of weight - first of all - today: 351.0 - not bad. Only 0.3 lbs away from 20. Secondly - I know, Apes, that I should only weigh in weekly, because of daily fluctuations, but I like doing it daily - because it keeps me accountable to myself. But I really only mark it down once a month - which is tomorrow. I keep a chart.

Yeah - I know - me and charts.

Hopefully I'll have more updates on other good stuff very soon.

But until then, I'm just gonna relax in the warm, ungodly hot evening. Ugh.

Meow.

True...fur must make it worse.

I...I...lost?!?!?

2005-07-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Yes...indeed, I did.

We played tennis this morning, Amber and I did...and frankly, she kicked my ass. She won the first set 6-0. I was up in the second set 2-1 when we decided to call it a morning. We went hella-grocery shopping, and had some lunch, and then DDR'd.

And now - we're gettin' ready to go see....get ready for it...

Wait for it...

"MARCH OF THE PENGUINS!"

And here's the really funny part - I really want to see it.

Last night - we had fun - although we lost a considerable sum of cash at the poker tables/slot machines. It just wasn't our lucky night...except...we had fun and spent it together, so how unlucky are we really?

We did have a big high calorie dinner - and strangely, I still lost a little. 252.2 was todays number.

But tomorrows will be lower, I have a hunch.

Meow?

No sam...not "it's time for lunch". Jeez - is food all you ever think about?

Blogging is for geeks...

2005-07-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

Or so my boss says - but what does he know? Big bald doofus. :)

So here we are again together on the computer screen. I like it here, did you know that?

I didn't run this morning, as I had...well...something important that I can't comment on to do...but it went well, and hopefully I can finally break the cone of silence next week.

As for the weight...well - it went up slightly. 252.4 - so that's 0.9 lbs of overdoing it at the BBQ last night.

And today may not be a lot better...had a croissant for breakfast and subway for lunch, but no cookies - aren't you proud of me?

So we'll see.

It's almost my DDR time - Amber is doing hers, and I'm up next, and then we're going out for a nice night out together...something we haven't done in awhile. So it'll be very nice. Just us two.

Me...e...ow?

No Sam...sorry...you have to watch the house for us until we get back.

*kitty salute* MEOW!

Wow...you um...really got into that, didn't you sam?

Purrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Okay - feral guard kitty - nobody move!

BBQ Time!

2005-07-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

So here it is - 12:30pm on a Thursday - and I'm excited today for several good reasons. I'll share them with you if you like...

Do you like?

Of course you do - otherwise you'd have stopped reading already!

1. Tonight I'm going to my friend's BBQ and seeing the most adorable Pug puppy in the whole wide world!

2. Remember that secretive thing I told you about last week that I couldn't comment on and promised to comment on more this week? I still can't comment, except to say that things are moving swimmingly!

3. Most importantly - today's number: 351.5

That's right - I'm down 2.5 lbs from yesterday. Not bad eh?

Granted, I didn't run this morning - just was too tired and wasn't up to it. But I definately will tomorrow and will do my DDR when I get home from the BBQ.

Also of note: My dear sweet friend Apes has agreed to help me edit my novel "The Intern" (poor thing doesn't know what she's in for) and get it ready, hopefully, for publication! YAY!

Lastly, but not leastly...

Meow?

No Sam...I'm not sure if "leastly" is a word or not...best to just forget it.

Previously...

2005-07-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

Think of the beginning of this post as your catch up if you haven't been reading all along, and have no idea why I'm going to start spitting numbers and stuff at you.

When I started this journey two months ago, I was shocked at my blood pressure and weight. My pressure had skyrocketed to 160/110 and I weighed in at 371 (370.7) pounds. I carry it well and have a lot of muscle on my frame, but that's still way too much. (For those of you who knew me in high school - that's about 100 pounds heavier - and for those of you who knew me when I was doing body-for-life last summer - this is about 30 lbs heavier).

I set myself a goal. Lose 100 pounds by the wedding - roughly 10 pounds a month. Exercise daily and keep to a low calorie, low fat, low salt diet.

I've done...alright so far.

A few slip ups here and there (pizza last night, for instance) but am still motivated.

As of this morning - I weigh 354 exactly. Not bad. Not quite 20 total, but if I really push this week, I can do it before August, putting me back on schedule.

Exercise wise - originally it was treadmill stuff, which I just was too damn lazy to do. Then I found DDR. Now I play tennis too. And as of this morning - I run.

Now don't get excited - I don't run fast or far. In fact this morning I had some tummy problems - and only ran 3 minutes. But as Amber said - "That's three more than yesterday". And she's right. Tonight I plan on doing DDR as usual.

So far - so good.

I ate breakfast today and it felt great...had been skipping breakfast, which I think lead to some problems. So I'm on track for a great day. There - now you're caught up.

Onto new stuff:

Did I mention yesterday when I bought my shorts that my pants size has gone down one size? Well it did (nearly two sizes) - and that made me happy too. :)

By the way - my friend Apes is a tremendous writer, and just keeps generating story after story. Keep going girl! You rock!

Speaking of writing - I plan on writing more in my "other" blog (I, Phantom) today...and perhaps even starting a new story I've had brewing in my mind...not sure yet.

Anyhow - the day is going well and I should get back to work...

Meow?

I can't come home yet Sam...it's only like...11am. Jeez you're needy.

Shopping

2005-07-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

I adore shopping, and love it even more so when it's someone else's money I'm using to shop, as it was today. My parents decided I needed some new clothing for my trip to Vegas, and volunteered to buy them for me. I'm so damn spoiled.

Now - a new note, or two. First - a decision. I'm starting running in addition to DDR - starting tomorrow morning at 6:30am. I don't know how far I'll go or what, but I'm going to. 2nd - I'm also going to actually track my weight here in this blog so you can all see two things:

a) how much I actually do weigh.
b) how much success I'm having.

I'm doing this for two reasons. First of all - I really want to - and this blog started as a weight loss tool, and should continue that way. Secondly - I had a sandwich for lunch, and it was a 12" instead of a 6" and it was too big, but I ate it...and a few cookies.

That's not so bad, and it's my first real 'slip' since starting - but I want to hold myself as accountable as possible.

Lastly - I just want to say thanks again to all my friends who are out there and support me. Some of you read this blog - some don't - but not many comment ever (which kinda irks me) - Apes gets random comments all the time - sheesh!

Anyhow - thanks guys - I love ya all.

Meow?

Sure Sam...I'll model my new clothes!

You know Louie...I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

2005-07-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'd never actually watched it. I'd seen bits and pieces - and knew the lines of course...but never watched it all the way through.

And now I have.

Wow.

I'm nearly speechless.

It was just....so good.

Watch it. Trust me.

Meow!

You're right Sam...the problems of two people and their cat don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world...

A day of....fun?!?! Are you sure???

2005-07-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

Well let's see...what an interesting day. We finally did go shopping, and made it to Borders, where I bought some new X-Men graphic Novels (see yesterday's posts for more info on this).

Then...well, on a whim, we went to...a casino. Now I know, I'm saving for a wedding and honeymoon, and I shouldn't be gambling. Furthermore, I shouldn't be playing in a 3-6 Limit Hold 'Em game when my game is No-Limit (ask me for more details on these).

And that's why I lost about $140. But then again - my quad 10s held up for a high hand jackpot of $500 - so I came out ahead of the whole day.

We went to see "The Island" - and I loved it. Yes - I am special - and I've been selected to go...no wait...maybe that's not so good.

Then we went to a game store, and bought two new games - kinda fun stuff - one is a superhero board game, which is okay, and kinda fun - but the other downright RAWKS. "SPANC" or Space Pirate Amazon Ninja Catgirls is just one of the best games I've played lately. Check out Steve Jackson Games for info. Talk about hilarity!

And now - it's late...but the boy is doing his laundry, so I sit here blogging and not knowing when I'll sleep. I want more info on that job. I want my tummy not to hurt (ate bad food today, but am going really strict tomorrow so my doctor's appointment goes well - see before). DDR tomorrow - maybe some more Tennis - and maybe...dare I say it...a run in the morning on Tuesday (I would say tomorrow but since it's already 11:21 I doubt I'll be awake enough. One never does know.)

And of course - through all of this - no new pictures, so instead, I have an older one to share - it's from roughly Febuary or March of this year - Amber and I went down to Portland to visit one of my half-sisters and her husband...and this was taken on the banks of a river. Romantical, isn't it?

Where have my childhood images gone?

2005-07-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

Spider-Man - The Uncanny X-Men - Iron Man - etc etc

Let's face it - I'm a geek. Okay - stop the gasping, you knew that already.

And I'm totally loving reading some of the new hardcover collections of newer stories of some of my favorite characters of all time - but what I want is my old stories recompiled in this quality - I may have to settle for the "essential" line of stories - but they're on crummy newsprint without even a shred of color in them.

Ugh.

Is what I want so hard? I mean - if I can get 40 years of Amazing Spider-Man on 11 CD-Roms, why can't I get it in one nice hardcover book so I can read it in the bathroom.

Was that too much info?

And there were so many side titles and substories - I just want to read and relive - and dream I'm Spider-Man or Wolverine or Superman. Is that so much to ask?

Maybe I should just buy what I find and upgrade if/when I can.

Maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Side Note: Saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight - prefer Gene Wilder. It's all about older stuff, huh?

Thundercats is coming out on DVD. Voltron too.

Meow?

Yes Sam...you can be a Thundercat. You can be...Samwisey.

Celestine Day

2005-07-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

What an interesting day - all sorts of things happening without any ryhme or reason behind them.

I can't comment too much on one area, because I don't know who reads this and who doesn't - and so I don't want to go too much into it - but lets just say I had a lot of interesting career oriented conversations today - more on this next week.

I'm having a good day - just wish more of that was in my control. I hate waiting.

Ugh.

Other than that - I've had some requests for some new photos - so I'm going to work on that. I've also had some requests for more writing in "I, Phantom" - and that is coming - I promise.

Also just want to give another shout out to my "at work" online friends. You guys...all of you...keep me alive and kicking through the day. I don't know how I'd get through a day without you guys. You guys make me laugh, smile, and occassionally gasp in horror! But I love all of you anyhow.

Because of e-mails from Amber, chatting with Apes, Angel, and more a whole day has gone by and now I get to check out.

Meow?

No Sam...Mommy'll feed you - I'm off to win money at poker.

Skinned Knees and Exercise...

2005-07-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

...don't mix.

I just finished a lousy session of DDR, but because I happen to have a skinned knee, it hurt like the dickens everytime I tried to step, so my session didn't last very long and my score wasn't high. Hopefully by Saturday when I do it again I'll feel better.

On that front, however, I'm doing well. I'm nearly down 20 lbs (19 at last weigh-in) and fluctuating around it. Of course, I'm not being entirely strict, as I should be, and am resolving to be as of next Monday. I really want to see what I can do before my doctor's appointment on the 5th.

I'm going in to get my pressure checked, and I want it waaaaaaaaay down. I want to show the doctor I can do this on my own without medication or anything funny like that.

And I believe in myself to do it.

All I need is a little elbow grease, and some more DDR.

And the support of my dear friends.

Thank you all for supporting me.

Meow?

Yes Sam...you too.

The Miracle Worker

2005-07-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever quite knows what to say, except to say good-bye.

But then again - I've never been like everyone else.

So I'm going to say thank you.

Thank you for all your words, your smiles, and everytime you made me laugh.

Thank you for every time you held her together and made her give all she had.

Thank you for every jury-rig and every over-estimation.

Thank you for believing in yourself, and making us believe with you.

Thank you for calling the Excelsior a "bucket of bolts".

Thank you for talking to a mouse and calling a keyboard "quaint".

But mostly, Jimmy, thank you for keeping our imaginations always running at warp speed.

You are, and always shall be, our friend...our Scotty.

Farewell James Doohan.

Meow?

Yes, Sam...the word is given. Warp speed, Mr. Scott.

Warp speed.

James Doohan: Died July 20, 2005

Pack-Mule?

2005-07-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

So...I'm sitting here writing this, and Amber is dropping things on my head...or more appropriately - around my neck.

Maybe she's trying to strangle me...maybe she thinks I'm not pulling my own weight.

But anyhow - today I'm going to simply comment on an area of my life hitherto unmentioned in these pages: Poker.

Today marked the opening of the ESPN broadcast of the WSoP 2005. I watched with baited breath, and was just enjoying the heck out of myself.

And then I realized - I want to play in a mega-tournament some day - more than that - I want to win it.

And it's not just the money - which would be nice - it's the experience - the whole she-bang of doing something like that.

Perhaps I'll start looking at local tournaments - larger scale...but not huge. Who knows? Maybe it's a pipe-dream.

Maybe I'm just not in a financial position to risk that kind of cash.

Maybe I'm a dreamer.

Meow.

That's right Sam - I'm not the only one.

And dreams can come true...if you make them.

Laughter is Good....

2005-07-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

So tonight I sit here listening to my dear loving fiancee and my dear best friend watching "Whose Line" after we all watched "Porky's" together.

Talk about laughter.

And you know what? No matter how bad it is - laughter will make it all okay. I promise. I would write more, but frankly, I want to go laugh more.

Meow?

Sure Sam...cats laugh too.

Madness, I tell you....MADNESS!

2005-07-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

That's what it was like Friday night at around midnight when I decided to go to my local Borders to pick up my copy of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince".

Incredible how many people turned up for a book party. It was amazing...all the kids clamoring around waiting to get something to read. 650some pages, to be exact.

Talk about hope for our future.

I was utterly impressed at the over 2000 people crammed into our Borders. Crazy, man....crazy.

Anyhow - I've been terribly busy reading for the last day - and am still not quite halfway through the book...but it's quite good, and will update here as I go (without spoilers, so don't worry).

Anyhow - off to a bright shiny Sunday by the pool perhaps.

Meow?

No Sam...you can't swim.

A better day...

2005-07-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

The sun'll come out...tomorrow!

Or rather...today. Things today are better. Amber and I had a fun night last night - lots of laughter at times - and a great movie. Can you believe she'd never seen "The Untouchables"? Well she has now!

People keep asking me when I'll write more of "I, Phantom" (there's now a link to your right...just FYI)...and hopefully soon, but I do actually have a job and work to get done and such. People are demanding - but it's good to be loved, isn't it?

Anyhow - have to get back to work - maybe I'll update the story later. Who knows.

Thanks to everyone who commented, both here and elsewhere on yesterday - your support helps. It's great having such wonderful friends.

Meow.

Right...and a wonderful cat.

Inadquacy...

2005-07-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Me? Inadequate? NEVER.

Well...almost never.

Except lately...a little. But first - some good news. Dad heard from the liver guy - it's not liver failure or cancer. Likely some form of Congestive Heart Failure (I know - didn't we already say it wasn't this?) - and the water pills are working. He left me a voicemail today...warmed my heart.

"I think we turned the corner, kiddo."

I nearly cried in court.

Anyhow - inadequacy.

Here's the question: how do you help the woman you love out of a dark room her mind and heart seem to be in when you can't see in to the room to pull her out?

Amber's kinda down, in case you couldn't guess, and I think it's mostly work related. I just don't know how to help. She's feeling very alone and not worth much. And she's so wrong. She's so not alone...and worth so very much to so many people, not to mention me.

I wish I could tell her how special she is...how every morning when I wake up I smile because she's there...how when Sam meows at the door because he misses her, all I can do is sigh, because I know just how he feels...how much joy she's brought to the life of a tired, old miserable bear.

She doesn't realize, I think, that she's my shining star - my hope - my dreams of the future are wrapped up in her.

She can't see how much she's loved...and can't feel it inside. She can't feel anything but sad sometimes...

And maybe she needs to feel that for some reason. I just know I'd take it away if I could...and make her smile. Make her laugh.

I just wish I knew how. I'll just keep trying. I'll keep loving her with all my heart, and give her anything I can to help. Anything to make her smile and laugh. Whatever she wants.

Meow?

No Sam...not Tuna...but good thought.

Daily Musings

2005-07-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

Other than that - not much is up around here.

I'm kinda down today - I feel like I'm not losing weight fast enough. I want so much more for myself. I just know I'm more inside than I am outside, and it will just take time to get there.

I want tennis and hiking and camping and swimming - all without extreme fatigue.

I want dancing out on the town in good lookin' clothes.

I want to look hot in my wedding tux.

I want to be comfortable on all the rides at Disney World.

I want to be comfortable and flexible for anything that happens elsewhere at Disney World. *wink wink*

I just want to be who I believe I am inside.

Is that so much?

Meow?

No Sam...I'm not a cat. But good try.

I, Phantom

2005-07-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

So - I've decided to put this blog thingy I have to good use. Perhaps more blogs will pop up - but for now, I'm adding one new blog.

http://grizzphantom.blogspot.com

This is my telling of the "Phantom of the Opera" story - from the perspective of the Phantom himself. It is my love story opus.

It is something I have toyed with for ages, and now that it'll be accessible everywhere - perhaps I shall continue to work on it.

Perhaps I shall even finish it.

What do you think?

Meow.

That's true, Sam. I am busy - but never so busy I can't create.

Games? Writing? Relaxation.

2005-07-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Had a lot of fun today working on the Heroes Unlimited campaign (hereafter the "Campaign") in my head. I rolled up my first arch-nemesis, potentially with more to come. I'm not sure how Amber's character will fit into it all, but it's going to be fun to see.

Side note - perhaps I should chronicle the weekly adventures of the group in a parallel blog - similar to what a friend of mine did with our D&D campaign way back in the day.

Maybe I'll even make a side blog and start putting parts of stories I've written in there - and updating them with chapters - like another great friend (yes, you Apes).

Maybe I'll just freewrite until my hands fall off. That'd be fun!

MEOW!

Oh...right...no petting you then.

All else is well, and it's time to DDR!

Creative...Juices?

2005-07-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

Isn't it interesting how just when you're starting to think about certain things - other things that are related pop up in your life? Celestine coincidences, if you will?

It's an incredible phenominum. But it happens.

For example - I wrote a novella (not quite a novel, yet) a while ago. An erotic legal thriller. I really like it. But never fleshed it out and worked on publication. I've written other things - sci-fi, legal, erotica, biographical, poetry, and so on...but haven't written for awhile...well except for here, of course.

So the other day Amber says to me that she hasn't seen anything creative in terms of writing from me in a long time, and maybe that I should start creating stories again as a fun diversion.

Then yesterday the Boy suggests that I run a campaign for an RPG for us again - superhero related. (You geeks will understand that - the rest of you - look up "Heroes Unlimited" in google, and you'll figure it out)

And today? A CLE advertisement comes in on how to publish a legal thriller. I doubt I'll go (cuz I don't have $500 spare lying around) - but yet another coincidence.

Perhaps I'll start writing again.

Perhaps I'll post some of it here.

I wonder who would read it?

You would - wouldn't you?

I hope so.

Meow.

Yes, Sam...I know cat's can't read. Jeez.

Sleepy Time....

2005-07-11T01:39:00.000-07:00

Another late night post...

Busy day.

Good movie.

Good friends.

Good night!

Meow.

Yeah...what he said.

Is it Sunday?

2005-07-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

Nah - it's really Saturday - since I haven't been to bed yet. It doesn't count as tomorrow until I wake up tomorrow. Until then it's today.

My dear sweet lovable kittycat has scratched up my hand like crazy. Ugh. But on the bright side - I have some wonderful pictures of him from my new digital camera. Perhaps when I figure out how to post them here...?

Aha. I did it! And isn't he cute with his little tongue stickin' out all like that?

Anyhow - no news about Dad yet. Everyone is on pins and needles, frankly. Mom says not to count on Vegas in August...which would frankly suck since I have to...ya know...plan a wedding while I'm there.

But hopefully all will work out and things will progress as planned. Hopefully Dad will be healthy and with us there, and we'll be enjoying ourselves and looking forward to the wedding date (roughly Marchish, I think).

I pray for that every night. That he'll be okay and that everything will work as planned.

*sigh*

On a side note - DDR'd twice today - endless mode - I'm up to 12 songs in a row. Wow. Nice. But I can do better. Of course - then they throw "Legend of Maxx" or some other god-awful-fast song at me.

Ugh!

On one other note on my mind tonight - I'm just happy so many wonderful people are in my life, and I'm reconnecting with so many from my past (yes, you Apes, in particular). It's wonderful to be able to re-experience the love and affection you had for the best friends you thought you'd ever have...all over again.

Yeah - I complain. I worry. I get scared. But know what? I'm damn lucky. I have a good job, Amber, my family, my friends, and my dear intrepid Samwise.

Meowwwww....

Um...Sam...why are your eyes glowing like that? Freaky.

Curiouser and curiouser...

2005-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well - just got a call from Dad.

They were going to do a test on that fluid today to see what the hell it is. First though they did an ultrasound to check for blood clots. And guess what?

No clots...

But also no fluid.

The swelling is just that - swelling of the tissues. And the lousy part is that nobody seems to know why. The liver guy is waiting for the blood tests to come back because the liver is slightly enlarged.

But nobody knows what's up.

And that's frustrating for everyone - especially Dad.

Ugh.

I had a good talk with Amber last night. She said some wonderful things to me, knowing how I was feeling. And I realized that I don't want my children to go through this - and just...really have to keep working on my own health.

It's just so important to me.

And to Amber - and our future.

Meow.

And to Sam.

Brief Update

2005-07-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

Dad called after the liver guy today.

There are four possibilities according to him - more tests needed.

1. Heart Failure - this isn't it.
2. Liver Failure - possible, but unlikely.
3. Kidney Failure - possible, but unlikely.
4. Cancer of some sort.

If it's spread to the fluid he has, then we have problems. But nothing's for sure...

...except that I'm tired. And can't write more today.

Meow?

Not today Sam...not today.

Tummy...not smaller...ugh...

2005-07-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well here I am again, lamenting my lack of stellar success with my diet/exercise goals. I DDR my head off, and just can't seem to break out of this gain 2 lose 2 pattern.

Wait just a moment right there.

Oh no...not you again. I can't believe you found me here.

Um...hello? Anyone home? Think McFly! Think! I'm your friggin' conscience. I live here.

Oh...right.

Here's the deal. You are working really hard. And you're making progress whether you know it or not. But you have to put the whole package together.

How do you mean?

Well - remember when you first started - you measured everything. All cereal, etc. You ate lightly, but were full. You were careful about portions and calories. Now you're not so much careful, and you're splurging on the weekends with popcorn and hot dogs.

Well that's true.

Yeah. So even if you DDR your butt off (which you're doing really good at - nearly every day - I'm proud of youf or that) - you're not putting the diet together with the exercise.

You know - you have a point.

Of course I do - I'm always right. Well sometimes. Look - just keep your goals in sight - and keep plugging away at it - you'll get there. I believe in you.

Wow...no yelling?

Why would I yell? You're halfway there. Just get the other half, and you'll be unstoppable.

You know - you're right. It's just about really focusing on what I know I need to do and doing it. One more splurge (sorta - I'm taking Amber out for her birthday tomorrow night for dinner - but can get something healthy) and then back in the saddle again - hardcore.

Now that's the spirit.

Meow.

And Sam agrees.

Another Long Day at the Office...

2005-07-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

What a day. Phew!

DDR is done - but I'm up a pound since this weekend (hotdog, etc from yesterday I assume) - and Amber's not feeling well.

Dad is feeling down, Mom is a wreck, and the Teach lost her kitty yesterday (as in passed away).

Had a sad sad client in court today, and just in general a long day.

I'm tired. My shoulder hurts. I didn't sleep well last night.

Ack. Talk about self-pity! Tomorrow will be better!

Meow?

No, I'm not sure, but hey - it works for me, Sam.

Today we celebrate...

2005-07-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

OUR INDEPENDANCE DAY!

Okay...sorry - couldn't resist.

Anyhow - saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith today - kick-ass movie. Very fun - kinda a romantic comedy...with guns. Sweeeeeeeet.

DDR'd my head off this morning and just now - sitting here dripping sweat. Man oh man is that a good workout. It should counteract my 4th of July hotdog/nachos combo at the movies. Hopefully. And now back on track with the diet.

Only one weird day this week (I shouldn't say weird - it's Amber's birthday) - so we're going out to dinner at her favorite restaurant locally. But even there I should be able to eat moderately healthily.

Other than that - not a lot today - sorry about the moroseness yesterday - needed to purge those thoughts, and here seemed like a good place.

Sometimes you just need a place to get out what you don't want in ya, you know?

Meow?

Yeah Sam...like a litter box.

HAPPY 4th!

Dark Thoughts for a Sunday...

2005-07-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

It seems odd to be even thinking about half of what I'm thinking of at 10:19 am on a beautiful sunny Sunday in July, but yet, here I am.

I worry about Dad. I worry about Amber. I worry about myself.

We saw "War of the Worlds" last night - and it was a great movie, but there was a scene that really screwed with my head I think. At the beginning, the Tripods are attacking right off the bat, and people are just vaporized right where they stand.

And all I could think of was - they never expected that to be the day they died. They weren't ready. They couldn't prepare or say goodbye.

And Dad's health...and I worry because of it.

And I put on 2 pounds because I ate popcord and brats...and I worry because of it.

Let's face it - I have faith in the Universe and my own beliefs about what happens when we're gone, and they're not so scary, really. In fact, they're comforting. But what's scary is just...poof...you're gone. No chance to prepare. No readiness.

I'm okay with the idea that everyone I know (myself included) is going to die someday. I'm just not ready for it to happen to me anytime soon. And I'm not ready for it to happen to anyone else anytime soon.

And that, above all else, is why I simply have to keep getting in shape. I don't want to poof.

Told you it was a weird Sunday. Maybe it's just the remnants of the popcorn. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. Maybe it's just a mood. But either way - I can channel it into positive energy to continue towards my goals.

And that's what I'll do.

Pardon my french, but fuck fear. All I have to do is change, and then there's nothing to fear.

Meow?

No Sam, not even the vaccuum.

If it isn't one thing....

2005-07-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

...it's another.

Just got a call from mom and dad. Dad went to go see the cardiologist today to hopefully relieve that fluid inside him that keeps building up, we assumed from Congestive Heart Failure.

Lo and behold - it's not Congestive Heart Failure.

Don't cheer yet. We don't know what it is.

The cardiologist says his white count is waaaaay up indicating infection - he's running a fever - and it's probably liver failure, but he doesn't know for sure until Dad sees a liver specialist.

But if the fever continues, they have to put him in the hospital again and drain the fluid.

Mom is a wreck and is convinced he won't live to see the liver specialist next week. He sounds down and drained, as is to be expected.

Me?

I'm okay...I think.

Meow.

Yeah Sam...I never could lie to you, huh?

Bad bad boy...

2005-06-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Well I was kinda bad today - and I feel the need for emotional purging.

I was in the breakroom at work - and saw....CHOCOLATE COVERED PEANUTS.

Naturally, without thinking, while my healthy lunch was microwaving, I scarfed a handful.

Why did I do that?

Don't I know what's at stake in this battle? Aren't I committed?

Well those questions have been roaming in my mind all afternoon. Sure - I'm not skinny yet, but I'm down 13 total pounds towards my 100 pound goal, and am working on my way to the rest. But then again - it's hard being heavy and not seeing who you believe you are in the mirror. It's depressing, and when I get depressed I eat.

But then again, I don't have to eat when I'm depressed. I can just have water or something. Look - I've found a FUN exercise (DDR) that is working for me - the food I'm eating isn't terrible - it's just low fat. From time to time life will happen - and I'll have a handful of Goobers or a nice dinner out. It's just that - life.

Just keep moving with it and keep moving towards your goal.

A wise friend once told me - it's not what you do - it's what you do next. And what am I going to do next? Keep on track - and keep on my plan.

It's simple. Mistakes happen.

The tragedy of them is that people let mistakes stop them. Well you can't stop me.

Meow?

Nope, Sam. Not even if you bite me.

Relaxation? HA!

2005-06-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to be a short day at the office - then the boss gets sick - and it turned into a short day of courtroom appearances. I was supposed to be home around 2:30. It's now 5:30 and I just got home.

How did it happen?

Court ran waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay long in one of the cities I was supposed to be in. Ugh.

And now I'm home...and tired...and have to DDR before dinner. (PS - five pounds this week - YAY!)

Short post - no energy - more to come tomorrow. And for you, my online friends - I'll be back on IM on Friday (in the office). Lots of court work this week.

UGH!

Meow.

Right, Sam...it could be worse. I could have sat in a cat tree licking myself all day.

HACK HACK - whoops - furball.

Helpless...

2005-06-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's hardest when you're feeling helpless to aid the people closest to you in your life. Which is where I am today.

My mom is a wreck because she's convinced Dad won't get better. He's upset because she's being so negative. And they're both thousands of miles away.

Amber is feeling trapped at her job, and wants to change, but can't figure out how because we can't afford her going back to school. Her family is still getting to her, and I just don't know how to help any more than I am.

*sigh*

I wish I had the power to make all the lives of the people I love better. All of them. I wish I could give us all money and health and power and fame and make everyone happy.

Meow?

Well, a tuna treat? That I can do.

Not Shot

2005-06-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the office now and haven't been shot by the strange man who got served today. I had to resist the urge to shout at him "You got SERVED!" But resist I did, and now I'm back.

I guess it wasn't so bad. The boss was very appreciative of my servitude to him. So all's well that ends well, I guess.

And now I'm just sitting here, working, sorta. (How much work am I really doing, c'mon!)

And I was reflecting on my life in general today - since I was reminiscing and remembering where I've been and how I got here. It's amazing how happy I am and how different things are than they were say, five years ago.

I'm happily engaged to a wonderful woman (love you sweetie) and I have wonderful friends and a great life. Sure - it's not perfect all the time, but then again - who's life is perfect all the time?

And hey - that gives me perfection to strive for, right?

Meow.

You tell 'em, Sam.

Serve a what to whom?

2005-06-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

See now - here's my problem with my job at times. Here I am sitting at work getting stuff done (and chatting too, I'll admit) - and the boss calls and asks me to run up to EVERETT (which is like North of nowhere) to serve something he should have for some suit he's working on (or being sued in) and now he wants me to go.

UGH! It's like he doesn't respect me sometimes. Don't get me wrong - I love the big dumb gay lawyer, but at times, I feel very undervalued.

Anyhow - so now I'm off to go serve god knows what to god knows who - I just wanted to blog it in case I get shot or something.

Also - I wanted to note that I'm just really enjoying reconnecting with my past through Apes. So many fun happy memories. So many laughs. So much emotion. Apes - thank you for being you - and never change, cuz then I wouldn't love you half as much. I mean that, though Apes. Thank you. For all of it. And for still being there. You've always made me smile and brightened my days. And now you're doing it again.

Isn't it great when you have such great friends and a great life?

Meow.

And a great cat. Right.

pant pant pant

2005-06-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

Wow...DDR is um...extreme.

Can't really fall asleep right now. All amped up from playing with the Boy and Amber. 5-10 songs a day should really keep the heart pumping and get some nice caloric loss (and it even has a mode to track that sorta stuff for you - cool huh?)!

Apes e-mailed me and said she has more stuff to write in her blog - and juicy news for me - but won't tell me until we're both online. How teasing is that?

She also apologized...for something. And I'm not sure what. I don't know if she was sure what either. She was reading back through old journals from her mom's house from waaaaaaay back in the day. I just know that she has nothing to be sorry for. She's part of who I am and why I am who I am.

I love her for it all the same.

It's the same for all of us isn't it? Even if there are things in our lives that hurt or don't go how we expected them to at the time - later, we can learn to appreciate them - and truly love the person for who they are - and what they've given us. Whether it's a great memory of an afternoon in the upstairs of a duplex - a story from prom night - or a new way to blog - we just love them for who they are.

Don't apologize - just love each other. That's my message today - for all of you.

(*note to self- "all of who?" - there's like four people reading this. Jeez - talk about delusions of grandeur!)

Meow.

Well I love you too Sam.

D-D-What?

2005-06-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well here I am again at the keyboard.

Today was an interesting day overall. I woke up with the Boy and his Girl at the house, and we all had an interesting morning playing some videogames (FYI - Psychonauts for PS2 - go play it).

Then Amber and I headed down to the Ponderosa to see her family for the memorial picnic for her Grandmother (who recently passed). It was a mixed bag. Some of what happened really upset and bugged Amber, but on the whole, I think it was a good experience for her. She had a few moments - and spent some extra time with me holding her, but she got through it.

On the way home we were talking about her life and her family - she feels kinda like a fish out of water in some ways, and I wish I could help her more. She feels like a lot of areas in her life have changed for her, but the people and things in her life haven't changed with her. (She wasn't referring to me - I checked.)

It made me think of my family - and how close I am to them, no matter how much I whine about them. It makes me sad to think of them not getting healthier as they get older. It makes me sad to know that my Mother can't break out of her funk - whether it be physical, or something deeper. I wish I could help - because not only is she not helping herself - but she's making it worse for Dad while he tries to recover.

*sigh*

And yet, I love them. Dearly. I don't know what I'll do when those harder times come. I'm sure I'll deal - but it'll be unlike anything I've ever faced. I don't know how prepared I am.

Boy - this is sure a depressing entry, isn't it? It didn't start out to be.

Okay - a lighter note: how about re-vamping your cardio workout? Me too! Amber and I bought a DDR dance pad and the DDR Extreme game for our PS2 - now THERE'S a cardio workout I can get into!

Meow?

Sure, Sam - you can play, just no scratching the pad.